Bo\u015fluk so\u011fuk, \u00f6m\u00fcr \u0131ss\u0131z, umut k\u0131r\u0131k bir \u015femsiye.
G\u00fclleye y\u00fcklenecek bir s\u0131rt, sala liman, denize s\u0131\u011f\u0131nacak okyanus gerek. Bar\u0131na\u011f\u0131 oldu\u011fum sebeplerin
kap\u0131s\u0131ndan bedenimde yan\u0131k ni\u015faneleriyle \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. \u00d6zveriyi giyinirken ya\u015fama soyundu\u011fumu fark
etmedim. Hayat t\u00fcnelinin \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015f\u0131nda vuslata yenik \u00f6zlemlerle uyand\u0131m.
Benli\u011fimi ayak seslerimin gerisinde oyalad\u0131m. Bedenimi eskilerden kalma bir sarn\u0131c\u0131n sular\u0131na
zindanlad\u0131m. Yar\u0131n\u0131n sisli hava k\u00fctlesini bug\u00fcn\u00fcn so\u011fuk ve melez kalemiyle zulalad\u0131m. Biliyordum.
Y\u00fcre\u011fimin mahallinde yaban\u0131l otlar bitecekti. \u00c7arem yoktu. Yaln\u0131zl\u0131k m\u00fch\u00fcrl\u00fc sandala bile isteyerek
att\u0131m ad\u0131mlar\u0131m\u0131.
Ona hi\u00e7 k\u0131zmad\u0131m. Ac\u0131dan h\u00fczne do\u011fru sa\u011f\u0131lan ak\u0131l, kanatlan\u0131p bo\u015flu\u011fun t\u00fcrk\u00fcs\u00fcne konar elbette.
Annemin ku\u015fanamad\u0131\u011f\u0131 sabr\u0131 siyahi yutkunmalarla han\u00e7erime lehimledim. Denize k\u0131zd\u0131m. Maviye kin
g\u00fctt\u00fcm. Ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m s\u00fcrece a\u011fz\u0131ma bal\u0131k s\u00fcrmedim. Bal\u0131k\u00e7\u0131 teknelerinden nefret ettim. Sadece babam\u0131
ve erkek karde\u015fimi de\u011fil, annemi de ya\u015famdan koparan k\u0131y\u0131s\u0131z denizleri h\u00fcviyetsiz b\u0131rakt\u0131m
d\u00fcnyamda.
Dima\u011f\u0131n\u0131n yama\u011f\u0131 oldu zavall\u0131 kad\u0131n. Ger\u00e7i zavall\u0131 olan o muydu yoksa ben miydim, bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc karar
veremedim. O, her \u015feyi unutmaya mahk\u00fbm edilirken ben ger\u00e7eklerle ya\u015famaya h\u00fck\u00fcm giydirildim.
Dalgalar\u0131n babam ve karde\u015fimi yuttu\u011fu g\u00fcn b\u00fct\u00fcn \u015falterleri indirildi d\u00fcnyam\u0131n. Ya\u015fam a\u011fac\u0131 kuruyan
babas\u0131z evlat. Akl\u0131n\u0131 yitiren \u00e7ocuk akran\u0131 anne. Elemi tellal olmu\u015f ba\u011f\u0131ran bir gen\u00e7 k\u0131z.
\u00c7\u0131\u011fl\u0131klar\u0131yla uyand\u0131\u011f\u0131m e\u015fyalarla kavgas\u0131na \u015fahit oldu\u011fum annemin \u0131st\u0131rab\u0131 \u00f6l\u00fcm sanc\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 ayaza
sermeme sebep olmu\u015ftu. Babam ve karde\u015fim bir kez \u00f6l\u00fcrken ben ve annem b\u00f6l\u00fck b\u00f6l\u00fck \u00f6lmeye
ba\u015flad\u0131k. Kim bilir, belki de sona ula\u015fmak kurtulu\u015ftu. Dilim varmasa da s\u00f6ylemeye\u2026 ke\u015fke annem de\u2026
Avu\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131n i\u00e7inde \u00e7\u00f6zemedi\u011fim bir d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm. Annemin yaras\u0131 iyice azm\u0131\u015f. Benim yaram
anneminkinden de derin. Tedavisi m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fil gibi, dedi doktorlar. Az zaman sonra gibiyi de
kald\u0131rd\u0131lar. Ruhuma birka\u00e7 beden b\u00fcy\u00fck ac\u0131larla kar\u015f\u0131la\u015ft\u0131m. Neden duman her yan\u0131m? Ni\u00e7in
yoku\u015flarday\u0131m? Ben evlat m\u0131y\u0131m? Yoksa \u00f6mr\u00fc kundaklanan bir anne mi, bilemedim. Rolleri
kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131rd\u0131m. Kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131m role b\u00fcr\u00fcnmeyi beceremedim.
Tren \u00e7arpmas\u0131na ramak kala annemi raylardan ald\u0131m. Yerin yedi kat dibinde k\u00f6r bir kuyunun i\u00e7inden
\u00e7\u0131kard\u0131m. Tavana ba\u011fl\u0131 urgan ilme\u011finden kurtard\u0131m. Teras t\u0131rabzan\u0131nda yar\u0131 sarkm\u0131\u015f bir vaziyette iken
ya\u015fama yeniden irca ettim. Midesi y\u0131kan\u0131rken, b\u0131\u00e7akla kesti\u011fi parmaklar\u0131na diki\u015f at\u0131l\u0131rken kendimi
su\u00e7lad\u0131m. Lavaboya giderken bile ona bir \u015fey olma korkusuyla sava\u015ft\u0131m. Ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m kayg\u0131lar
sonucunda kimli\u011fim art\u0131k panik atakt\u0131.
Gen\u00e7li\u011fime nokta koydum. G\u00fccenmedim sevdi\u011fime. O b\u0131rak\u0131p gitmeseydi, ben d\u00f6necektim s\u00f6z\u00fcmden
g\u00fcr\u00fclt\u00fcs\u00fczce. \u00c7ile y\u00fckl\u00fc kaderime onu kurban se\u00e7emezdim. Kara ya\u011f\u0131z bir acem k\u0131z\u0131na d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm.
\u0130nsan sevip sevildik\u00e7e g\u00fczelmi\u015f. Anlad\u0131m. Bulan\u0131k sularda kayboldum. Kendimi bulmak i\u00e7in kay\u0131p
ilan\u0131nda arad\u0131m. Eski bir aynan\u0131n gam dalgalar\u0131nda g\u00f6rd\u00fcm siluetimi. \u00d6zledim. \u00d6zledi\u011fimi
s\u00f6yleyemeyince u\u00e7urumlardan d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm. Evlendi\u011fini duydu\u011fum g\u00fcn ac\u0131n\u0131n en kat\u0131 faz\u0131yla par\u00e7aland\u0131m.
Okulumu yar\u0131m b\u0131rakt\u0131m. Beyaz \u00fcniformalar i\u00e7inde melek y\u00fcrekli bir hem\u015fire olamad\u0131m. G\u00f6rmeyen
bebe\u011fe g\u00f6z, y\u00fcr\u00fcyemeyen gence bir \u00e7ift bacak olmakt\u0131 tek arzum. \u00d6z\u00fcr dilerim babac\u0131m \u015fefkat temsili
\u015fvester makam\u0131na ula\u015famad\u0131m. Sen hat\u0131rlar m\u0131s\u0131n bilmem. Ben hi\u00e7 unutmad\u0131m. \u201cHem\u015firem, peri
peykerim. Kanatlar\u0131n iyilikle \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131ns\u0131n!\u201d der, beni \u015fefkatle ba\u011fr\u0131na basard\u0131n. Affet beni babam!
Annemden ba\u015fka hi\u00e7bir hastaya kanat \u00e7\u0131rpamad\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bunald\u0131m. Severek yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m hi\u00e7bir \u015feyden zevk alamaz oldum. Kitap okumaktan, m\u00fczik dinlemekten
vazge\u00e7tim. \u00c7ok az uyumaya ba\u015flad\u0131m. S\u00f6n\u00fck bir balona d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm. Neydi benim yiyeceklerle al\u0131p
veremedi\u011fim. Evden \u00e7\u0131kmaz, insanlara tahamm\u00fcl edemez oldum. \u00c7alan kap\u0131lar\u0131 a\u00e7maz, ba\u011f\u0131ran
telefonlar\u0131 cevaplamaz oldum. Nedensiz a\u011flama n\u00f6betlerine tutuldum. Sab\u0131rs\u0131z, uyumsuz, umutsuz
bir ki\u015filik yap\u0131s\u0131na b\u00fcr\u00fcnd\u00fcm. Tan\u0131\u015fma\u011f\u0131m bir bedende bilmedi\u011fim bir kad\u0131n suretiyle kar\u015f\u0131la\u015ft\u0131m.
Ay\u0131ya kovan \u0131smarlanmaz, derler. Benden sonra kovan\u0131m\u0131 emanet edebilece\u011fim bir ay\u0131 ihtimalinin bile
bulunmamas\u0131 h\u00fczn\u00fcyle kavruldum. Bu sebepledir ki annemden \u00f6nce \u00f6l\u00fcmle kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fmamak i\u00e7in
tanr\u0131ya her nefes al\u0131\u015f\u0131mda niyazda bulundum. \u201cYa ayn\u0131 anda al can\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 Allah\u2019\u0131m ya da ondan \u00fc\u00e7 be\u015f
dakika sonra!\u201d diye boyun e\u011fdim. Bir zehri damarlar\u0131m\u0131za ayn\u0131 anda zerk etmeyi defalarca planlad\u0131m.
Allah\u2019tan korktum. Yapamad\u0131m.
Mezarl\u0131\u011fa y\u00f6nelen n\u00fcsham aral\u0131kta devinen bir sarka\u00e7 \u015fimdi. Kula\u011f\u0131mda zaman eskisi sesler. K\u0131rk yedi
ya\u015f ge\u00e7kinli\u011finde savruk tenha bir y\u00fcrek. Y\u0131llarca debelendi\u011fim kolonlar aras\u0131nda betona d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fen
eskiz bir ya\u015fam. En ba\u015ftan ba\u015flayay\u0131m desem \u00e7ok ge\u00e7. Bahar sa\u011f\u0131r dilsiz kalan vaktime, k\u0131\u015f h\u00e2lihaz\u0131rda
avu\u00e7lar\u0131mda. Ula\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m iskeledeki vapurlar \u00e7oktan vira bismillah, demi\u015f.
Bo\u015fluk so\u011fuk, \u00f6m\u00fcr \u0131ss\u0131z, umut k\u0131r\u0131k bir \u015femsiye.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Bo\u015fluk so\u011fuk, \u00f6m\u00fcr \u0131ss\u0131z, umut k\u0131r\u0131k bir \u015femsiye.G\u00fclleye y\u00fcklenecek bir s\u0131rt, sala liman, denize s\u0131\u011f\u0131nacak okyanus gerek. Bar\u0131na\u011f\u0131 oldu\u011fum sebeplerinkap\u0131s\u0131ndan bedenimde yan\u0131k ni\u015faneleriyle \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. \u00d6zveriyi giyinirken ya\u015fama soyundu\u011fumu farketmedim. Hayat t\u00fcnelinin \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015f\u0131nda vuslata yenik \u00f6zlemlerle uyand\u0131m.Benli\u011fimi ayak seslerimin gerisinde oyalad\u0131m. Bedenimi eskilerden kalma bir sarn\u0131c\u0131n sular\u0131nazindanlad\u0131m. Yar\u0131n\u0131n sisli hava k\u00fctlesini bug\u00fcn\u00fcn so\u011fuk ve melez kalemiyle […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2044,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[26],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.yasamsanat.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2043"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.yasamsanat.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.yasamsanat.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.yasamsanat.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.yasamsanat.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2043"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.yasamsanat.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2043\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2045,"href":"https:\/\/www.yasamsanat.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2043\/revisions\/2045"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.yasamsanat.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2044"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.yasamsanat.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2043"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.yasamsanat.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2043"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.yasamsanat.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2043"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}